Is it misogynistic of a man to insist on paying each time a date is shared? Is it emasculating for a woman to insist otherwise? Does letting a man pay set women and feminism back by a century?

Almost all societies and cultures across the globe have labeled men to be the providers of women and children. Thus, the basic code of chivalry states that when on a date, a man should always pay.

But, in the current day and age, how relevant and appropriate IS that notion?

Joey and Rachel from Friends

A. Who pays on the first date?

My view has always been whoever invites and/or plans the date is responsible for paying for the first date–regardless of gender. You should always be prepared for paying your share of the bill (and always offer to do so), but don’t throw a fit to pay.

If you feel obliged to even out the date, offer to go somewhere for dessert or to buy a drink after the meal.

B. Who pays on the second date?

The second date should be paid by whoever initiates it–unless it’s the person who initiated the first date.

For instance, Joe asks Meghan out and pays on the first date. If Meghan initiates the second date, she should pay for the meal (or at least go Dutch). If John asks for a second date, Meghan should offer to go Dutch and/or agree if the date is her treat.

C. What if the guy insists on paying every time?

We can say chivalry is dead, but for a lot of men, it’s not! For some men it’s embarrassing to let a woman pay–as misogynistic or innocent as it may be.

If it’s REALLY important to the guy, then let him pay. You can always balance things out by inviting him over for dinner at your place or buying tickets to a movie/concert/sporting event.

If it’s important to you to pay for meals, then talk to the guy. If it’s a big source of friction, maybe it’s not meant to be!

D. What if a girl insists on going dutch, splitting 50-50 or paying for half the dates?

It’s important to remember that in this day and age, many women take chivalry as a sign that a man is underestimating them.

If it’s important to a girl, then make sure to listen to her reasons, talk it out and come up with a system. If you REALLY want to pay, you can point out that it’s just how you were raised and offer that she pay 1 in every 3 or 4 dates (or whatever works for the two of you).

E. Is it okay to split the check on the first date?

Yes! Unfortunately, if you did the asking, you shouldn’t be the one to suggest it because it sets a bad first impression.

However, if you were asked out on a date, feel free to offer to split the check and insist that it takes the pressure off of feeling obligated to go on a second date. I have gone so far as to agreeing to go on a date ONLY if the bill can be split–and it doesn’t come off rude!

Example: “I’d love to go out on Friday–but one condition: We split the bill. I know it sounds weird, but it would really make me feel more comfortable and I feel like it’s only fair to you in case it doesn’t work out and that way I won’t feel obliged to go on a second date.”

F. Who pays on a blind date?

Both parties should go in ready to pay their share; guys should be ready to foot the bill, just in case. If a girl wants to split the bill, then she should let the individual behind the setup know so that he/she can relay the information to the guy.

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